Today, I am 36 weeks pregnant. According to 'them' that means I have two weeks before I she could 'come any minute'. I have been working on my mental response to this. I have gotten comfortable with being pregnant. I know how to walk, when to sit down and rest, how to detect sneaky hormones...I got this and could do this for quite a while. I'm not even all that worried about labor and delivery. That is my body doing what it is supposed to do and Sophiah's body doing what it is supposed to do. Not much control in those areas. All the 'what ifs' start once we get home. How will I know this and that? How will Max and I do with her and with each other? Will we be similar enough in what we want for her?
I have had a rough time with some key people not participating in this journey with me. For some reason, some of the friends and family closest to me have disappeared over the last 6 months. I was hurt and saddened by this and really had to work through the feelings. What I realized is that it allowed Max and me to get closer in a short amount of time. I needed to learn to rely on and lean on him because I will need to do that throughout stages of labor. I needed to learn to trust him, deeply, and him me. These lessons were learned because they had to be because I had no one else to talk to at times. He was the only one who ever heard a complaint or pain I was experiencing. When I felt myself getting scared, I talked to him instead of a girlfriend. When I doubted, I talked to him. When I needed a massage, I went to him. We have grown and bonded on such deep levels that I am kind of grateful that those people left my life when they did. It makes me re-assess those friendships, but, nonetheless, I am grateful. I am so in love with him and we are so in love with this little girl. And for now, that is all that matters. We have love, we have each other, we have a few blankets and diapers and onsies...that's all that matters.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Rein in the Bitchy
I am happy to say that at 11:00 pm, I am in a much better place mentally than I was at 11:00 am. Today was one of those days when I felt that I had PMS. I was grumpy for no reason, feeling emotional about everything, and wanting to cuddle up with Max more than usual. I did not like that feeling at all. I just felt bitchy. I could point to many sources. I wonder if I am overloading myself with baby books. I wonder if I feel worried because I haven't felt the baby move in a couple days. I wonder why my best friend can't ask me about my baby. I wonder if Max and I will be able to keep the magic as we add to our family. I went to the acupuncturist and had her clear a lot of my concerns. Wow, that was amazing! I rested for an hour or so and felt 100% better.
There is so much to learn about myself, about baby, about Max and about us together. I am going to sleep and I hope tomorrow morning is a brighter one than today. If it is not, I will stay in bed until the bitchiness is held at bay.
There is so much to learn about myself, about baby, about Max and about us together. I am going to sleep and I hope tomorrow morning is a brighter one than today. If it is not, I will stay in bed until the bitchiness is held at bay.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Baby Bump
I recently realized that I have been writing in a journal for the baby over the past couple of months, but I need to have an adult outlet as well. So, I return to my long lost friend - the Blog! I am in my 16 week of pregnancy as of today. It has been a smooth ride and I am thankful for that. I didn't expect anything which is good because I wouldn't have been able to predict half of the things I am feeling. From the moment we learned about our baby, I was ecstatic! I wanted to be pregnant by the time I was 36 and though I had no clue how it would happen, it did... well, I had a clue, I just didn't have a guy at the time. So, now here I am, almost half way through my pregnancy and loving it. I simply love this process. I told Max we should have six! I feel good, I sleep good, I am horny as hell. My breasts are growing and less sore, my hair is thick and long, and I have a glow about me, from what I've been told. There is a confidence that accompanies pregnancy that puts everything together. I walk taller, I glide more gently, and I feel fuckin fantastic, like I could rule the world. Max and I have the gift of getting to know one another along with getting used to our growing baby. That is a lot going on at once. I have been off work for a little over a month and so we have been relaxing a lot. We spend our favorite days in bed (we are still newlyweds ya know) cuddled up napping and/or watching old shows like The Waltons. He is such a wonderful attentive man and he takes care of me.
A couple physical things I am learning to combat are swelling feet and appetite. If I am on my feet too long without putting them up, they swell, and I can feel it happening! I try to drink lots of water and sit down as often as possible. As for the appetite, I have not vomited once this whole time, thank God! I have not had morning sickness as much as all- day- bouts- of- nausea. If I don't eat enough or on time, the baby lets me know it is not alright! For example, I wasn't very hungry today and couldn't decide what I wanted to eat. I snacked throughout the day and had a good dinner. Here I am a few hours later feeling hungry! I guess this is the baby's way of letting me know who will be in charge for the next little while! I have been healthy, the same weight, and just feeling really good. One thing I didn't realize is that for some of us lucky pregers, our belly swells early and we look six months pregnant before we reach the fourth month. I have come to accept that it is how it is and as long as the child is growing and happy, I don't care how big my tummy is! Right now I am slightly obsessed about two things: the gender and the safety. I won't dwell on the safety things, just to say that I have heard too many stories about the baby having issues with the chord. I'll leave it at that and trust God to protect even now. As for the gender, I want to know who I am carrying. Is it Sophiah or Joseph? I even tried that thing where you dangle a ring on a chain over my belly and depending on which direction it sways determines the gender. Marisha told me about it and... dammit, I actually gave it a try! I lay down on my back, stilled the chain and released. It started circling my belly round and round. I laughed so hard and had to try it again. I made sure it was still before I released. And go! It went round and round as though a magnetic force was driving it! According to tradition (who's, I don't know) I am having a girl. Time will tell, as will an ultrasound in about a week!
I have been dreaming of girls but thinking it is a boy. A couple years ago, I dreamed about a girl around age two or three. She was facing me with puff balls in her hair. Her daddy had his back to me and was squatting down with one arm around her. She was beautiful, and I knew she was my daughter! I then had a dream about a baby boy. We were in mom and dad's house and he was with me at the kitchen sink. I have had countless dreams over the last few months, most that I cannot recall. One was a dream that mom was pregnant! with twin boys!!!! I was expecting a girl and was figuring out how to help her. When I told her about the dream the next day, she laughed and said she had a dream that same night that she was pregnant! Wow, I am pretty sure she will not deliver twin boys, but perhaps twin ideas... we'll see. Last night, I dreamed of a little girl with puff balls in her hair. She was pretty young, maybe one or two. Max and I were playing with her and loving every moment! We were clapping, and patting, and giving high five. Even now, I can remember the soft puffiness of her hands as they gently tapped against mine. That was a special dream. I have dreamed of boys as well, but recently the boys were white - I don't know what that means!
So, here I am in the midst of a different part of the dance, awaiting my first baby and loving my first fiance'. I am content and at peace and so loved and in love. I didn't nap today, so I guess it is time for a bedtime snack and sleep. More talk from the heart soon.
A couple physical things I am learning to combat are swelling feet and appetite. If I am on my feet too long without putting them up, they swell, and I can feel it happening! I try to drink lots of water and sit down as often as possible. As for the appetite, I have not vomited once this whole time, thank God! I have not had morning sickness as much as all- day- bouts- of- nausea. If I don't eat enough or on time, the baby lets me know it is not alright! For example, I wasn't very hungry today and couldn't decide what I wanted to eat. I snacked throughout the day and had a good dinner. Here I am a few hours later feeling hungry! I guess this is the baby's way of letting me know who will be in charge for the next little while! I have been healthy, the same weight, and just feeling really good. One thing I didn't realize is that for some of us lucky pregers, our belly swells early and we look six months pregnant before we reach the fourth month. I have come to accept that it is how it is and as long as the child is growing and happy, I don't care how big my tummy is! Right now I am slightly obsessed about two things: the gender and the safety. I won't dwell on the safety things, just to say that I have heard too many stories about the baby having issues with the chord. I'll leave it at that and trust God to protect even now. As for the gender, I want to know who I am carrying. Is it Sophiah or Joseph? I even tried that thing where you dangle a ring on a chain over my belly and depending on which direction it sways determines the gender. Marisha told me about it and... dammit, I actually gave it a try! I lay down on my back, stilled the chain and released. It started circling my belly round and round. I laughed so hard and had to try it again. I made sure it was still before I released. And go! It went round and round as though a magnetic force was driving it! According to tradition (who's, I don't know) I am having a girl. Time will tell, as will an ultrasound in about a week!
I have been dreaming of girls but thinking it is a boy. A couple years ago, I dreamed about a girl around age two or three. She was facing me with puff balls in her hair. Her daddy had his back to me and was squatting down with one arm around her. She was beautiful, and I knew she was my daughter! I then had a dream about a baby boy. We were in mom and dad's house and he was with me at the kitchen sink. I have had countless dreams over the last few months, most that I cannot recall. One was a dream that mom was pregnant! with twin boys!!!! I was expecting a girl and was figuring out how to help her. When I told her about the dream the next day, she laughed and said she had a dream that same night that she was pregnant! Wow, I am pretty sure she will not deliver twin boys, but perhaps twin ideas... we'll see. Last night, I dreamed of a little girl with puff balls in her hair. She was pretty young, maybe one or two. Max and I were playing with her and loving every moment! We were clapping, and patting, and giving high five. Even now, I can remember the soft puffiness of her hands as they gently tapped against mine. That was a special dream. I have dreamed of boys as well, but recently the boys were white - I don't know what that means!
So, here I am in the midst of a different part of the dance, awaiting my first baby and loving my first fiance'. I am content and at peace and so loved and in love. I didn't nap today, so I guess it is time for a bedtime snack and sleep. More talk from the heart soon.
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