To Love
means to communicate to the other
that you are all for her
that you will never fail her
or let her down
when she needs you
but that I
will always be standing by
To Love
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Here I sit
May 5, 2012 11:00pm
It is the brightest time of my life, yet at any moment, I feel like I could crumble into a thousand pieces. My life is not what I thought it would be nor is it moving at a nice comfortable pace at which I could easily adapt. No, instead, my life flips, turns, moves, pants, then revs up again to repeat. I don't really think about all that has gone on over the last six months until I say something to a friend and they say, WOW, YOU HAVE SO MUCH GOING ON. When you are living it, you just... live it. You don't sit back and let it swallow you otherwise eight other things will drop and you'll have more to do the next day. So, I will be honest with you, reader, and tell you what has transpired in life, in my heart, and in my head. We moved into a two-story house the week of November 19 (one week before the baby was due). Teresa and Kindra helped pack up our old house and move into the new one. They painted our new bedroom to get rid of the purple walls and green dragonfly stenciled art. Jazmin and Cece moved boxes and unpacked things. They all worked so hard. It was difficult for me to sit still, but I had little choice since I was 9 months pregnant. Rhea came and unpacked the closet, Keith, Will, Eric and Danielle moved things, Max loaded the truck and broke himself doing so much work. We were in, we were comfortable, we were greeted by neighbors and now, it was time for the main event! Sophiah was born December 1, 2011 10:27pm on Max's 44th birthday. One day, I will record her birth story. We were in the hospital for about three days. It was not comfortable at all, but more safe than bringing her home where I would have to learn her and re-learn myself. Max's mom came to help the week after Sophiah was born. This was a good thing because it allowed her and Max to grow their relationship. At first, I was not excited about her coming. Max explained her purpose and assured me that if I was unhappy with her presence, then she would go home. It was a good time for Sophiah to spend with her and for us to get to know each other as well. Before she arrived, Georgina came to see the baby and to give her a traditional bath. She came the day after we were home. Mom, aunt Debbie and Jazmin were all here as well. I think this day traumatized me and taught me at the same time. Georgina placed Sophiah on a towel on her lap and began to wash her. I actually will have to return to this story at a later time because of the emotions that are rising just thinking about it. Stay tuned for the rest of the story.
So, back to Sisi. It ended up being wonderful that she was here. My family loved her and she was thankful to them for being so kind to Max. It was good for her to see that Max is loved and taken care of now. She left at the beginning of January. I was feeling good and high on hormones. Max and I work so well together with Sophiah. Max was in school and I was able to spend most days in bed with the baby. Sogna, the dog, was with a friend until I was ready to balance her again. During all this time, Max was still attending manditory anger management meetings - what a joke! He spent so much time and money and energy. Around mid March, I contacted my insurance company to see when I would be getting paid while on leave. They told me they had to finish my investigation before they could pay me! So, I went over a month without pay. This did not help my depression one bit. Instead it launched me into a deeper place. I realized that I needed to return to work as soon as possible in order to make ends meet. They found something for me to do through the end of the semester and I was able to take Sophiah with me most days or work from home. It was a good situation for the most part. Just difficult learning something new in such a short time and giving results that were needed. It was a head ache, but it kept my paychecks and benefits coming. In late march, Max's father in Ghana passed away. He had just spoken with him and wanted me to meet him over the phone. He didn't sound very good, so Max decided to wait to call again. I will never get to meet my father-in-law this side of heaven. That hit Max so hard and pulled his emotions to the surface. We needed to decide how we could help burry him when we had no extra money. Max is the oldest son and the oldest grandson, so he has responsibilities. People were generous and donated money for us to send. We are blessed by their generosity.
After this, we had a big birthday party for my 37 birthday. We cooked, some people brought food, and we partied! About 50 people showed up and crowded the stairs, hallway, kitchen, and living rooms. It was wonderful to see everyone. The day after that was Easter, we did not make it to church, but made it to celebrate with the family!
Due to some family drama, we went to pick up Ciara one Friday evening to stay with us indefinately. She wasnot being treated in a way I thought was fair so, we rescued her. It was a tense situation, but mama bear stepped in and took care of business. Max was so supportive as well. The following week, we spent sorting things out and planning how she could finish the school year successfully. She stayed with us for a week and was so helpful. During that time, Max graduated from EMU, I threw him a party. It was the first party anyone has thrown for him ever... ever. How sad and what an honor. It was fun and filled with friends and family. The day after, he had final exams and the day after that, he started a new job. Now, we have prayed for a job for a couple years and God came through. He will be working nights, three nights a week. Then, he was called back for a third interview at another job! This week, he will be working 9-4 four days a week. This week, we also had court. The end of probation and the end of Anger Management classes. Praise God, that is over. They tried to break him and to wear him down. Thank God for his spirit and tenacity. The next day, he had to work, but we were supposed to have Samantha. I am not quite used to handling both girls alone. It looks like I will have to learn quickly. She will be here on Fridays weather or not Max is. That leaves... me. So many things happen in our lives that most times I don't have the luxury to decide to do or not to do. It's like, get on board or get left behind.
So, here I sit. Sophiah is sleeping in her room, Max is at work,and I am heading to bed so as to pass the time more quickly. I am trying to keep my head around all that is my life. This is living. Doing. Balancing. Embracing. Breathing. Surely this quiet only makes the ticking of the roller coaster car seem louder and louder. I know, right around the bend, there will be a drop! I will hang on, scream, let the wind take my voice, then laugh about it later.
It is the brightest time of my life, yet at any moment, I feel like I could crumble into a thousand pieces. My life is not what I thought it would be nor is it moving at a nice comfortable pace at which I could easily adapt. No, instead, my life flips, turns, moves, pants, then revs up again to repeat. I don't really think about all that has gone on over the last six months until I say something to a friend and they say, WOW, YOU HAVE SO MUCH GOING ON. When you are living it, you just... live it. You don't sit back and let it swallow you otherwise eight other things will drop and you'll have more to do the next day. So, I will be honest with you, reader, and tell you what has transpired in life, in my heart, and in my head. We moved into a two-story house the week of November 19 (one week before the baby was due). Teresa and Kindra helped pack up our old house and move into the new one. They painted our new bedroom to get rid of the purple walls and green dragonfly stenciled art. Jazmin and Cece moved boxes and unpacked things. They all worked so hard. It was difficult for me to sit still, but I had little choice since I was 9 months pregnant. Rhea came and unpacked the closet, Keith, Will, Eric and Danielle moved things, Max loaded the truck and broke himself doing so much work. We were in, we were comfortable, we were greeted by neighbors and now, it was time for the main event! Sophiah was born December 1, 2011 10:27pm on Max's 44th birthday. One day, I will record her birth story. We were in the hospital for about three days. It was not comfortable at all, but more safe than bringing her home where I would have to learn her and re-learn myself. Max's mom came to help the week after Sophiah was born. This was a good thing because it allowed her and Max to grow their relationship. At first, I was not excited about her coming. Max explained her purpose and assured me that if I was unhappy with her presence, then she would go home. It was a good time for Sophiah to spend with her and for us to get to know each other as well. Before she arrived, Georgina came to see the baby and to give her a traditional bath. She came the day after we were home. Mom, aunt Debbie and Jazmin were all here as well. I think this day traumatized me and taught me at the same time. Georgina placed Sophiah on a towel on her lap and began to wash her. I actually will have to return to this story at a later time because of the emotions that are rising just thinking about it. Stay tuned for the rest of the story.
So, back to Sisi. It ended up being wonderful that she was here. My family loved her and she was thankful to them for being so kind to Max. It was good for her to see that Max is loved and taken care of now. She left at the beginning of January. I was feeling good and high on hormones. Max and I work so well together with Sophiah. Max was in school and I was able to spend most days in bed with the baby. Sogna, the dog, was with a friend until I was ready to balance her again. During all this time, Max was still attending manditory anger management meetings - what a joke! He spent so much time and money and energy. Around mid March, I contacted my insurance company to see when I would be getting paid while on leave. They told me they had to finish my investigation before they could pay me! So, I went over a month without pay. This did not help my depression one bit. Instead it launched me into a deeper place. I realized that I needed to return to work as soon as possible in order to make ends meet. They found something for me to do through the end of the semester and I was able to take Sophiah with me most days or work from home. It was a good situation for the most part. Just difficult learning something new in such a short time and giving results that were needed. It was a head ache, but it kept my paychecks and benefits coming. In late march, Max's father in Ghana passed away. He had just spoken with him and wanted me to meet him over the phone. He didn't sound very good, so Max decided to wait to call again. I will never get to meet my father-in-law this side of heaven. That hit Max so hard and pulled his emotions to the surface. We needed to decide how we could help burry him when we had no extra money. Max is the oldest son and the oldest grandson, so he has responsibilities. People were generous and donated money for us to send. We are blessed by their generosity.
After this, we had a big birthday party for my 37 birthday. We cooked, some people brought food, and we partied! About 50 people showed up and crowded the stairs, hallway, kitchen, and living rooms. It was wonderful to see everyone. The day after that was Easter, we did not make it to church, but made it to celebrate with the family!
Due to some family drama, we went to pick up Ciara one Friday evening to stay with us indefinately. She wasnot being treated in a way I thought was fair so, we rescued her. It was a tense situation, but mama bear stepped in and took care of business. Max was so supportive as well. The following week, we spent sorting things out and planning how she could finish the school year successfully. She stayed with us for a week and was so helpful. During that time, Max graduated from EMU, I threw him a party. It was the first party anyone has thrown for him ever... ever. How sad and what an honor. It was fun and filled with friends and family. The day after, he had final exams and the day after that, he started a new job. Now, we have prayed for a job for a couple years and God came through. He will be working nights, three nights a week. Then, he was called back for a third interview at another job! This week, he will be working 9-4 four days a week. This week, we also had court. The end of probation and the end of Anger Management classes. Praise God, that is over. They tried to break him and to wear him down. Thank God for his spirit and tenacity. The next day, he had to work, but we were supposed to have Samantha. I am not quite used to handling both girls alone. It looks like I will have to learn quickly. She will be here on Fridays weather or not Max is. That leaves... me. So many things happen in our lives that most times I don't have the luxury to decide to do or not to do. It's like, get on board or get left behind.
So, here I sit. Sophiah is sleeping in her room, Max is at work,and I am heading to bed so as to pass the time more quickly. I am trying to keep my head around all that is my life. This is living. Doing. Balancing. Embracing. Breathing. Surely this quiet only makes the ticking of the roller coaster car seem louder and louder. I know, right around the bend, there will be a drop! I will hang on, scream, let the wind take my voice, then laugh about it later.
Baby Bump
I recently realized that I have been writing in a journal for the baby over the past couple of months, but I need to have an adult outlet as well. So, I return to my long lost friend - the Blog! I am in my 16 week of pregnancy as of today. It has been a smooth ride and I am thankful for that. I didn't expect anything which is good because I wouldn't have been able to predict half of the things I am feeling. From the moment we learned about our baby, I was ecstatic! I wanted to be pregnant by the time I was 36 and though I had no clue how it would happen, it did... well, I had a clue, I just didn't have a guy at the time. So, now here I am, almost half way through my pregnancy and loving it. I simply love this process. I told Max we should have six! I feel good, I sleep good, I am horny as hell. My breasts are growing and less sore, my hair is thick and long, and I have a glow about me, from what I've been told. There is a confidence that accompanies pregnancy that puts everything together. I walk taller, I glide more gently, and I feel fuckin fantastic, like I could rule the world. Max and I have the gift of getting to know one another along with getting used to our growing baby. That is a lot going on at once. I have been off work for a little over a month and so we have been relaxing a lot. We spend our favorite days in bed (we are still newlyweds ya know) cuddled up napping and/or watching old shows like The Waltons. He is such a wonderful attentive man and he takes care of me.
A couple physical things I am learning to combat are swelling feet and appetite. If I am on my feet too long without putting them up, they swell, and I can feel it happening! I try to drink lots of water and sit down as often as possible. As for the appetite, I have not vomited once this whole time, thank God! I have not had morning sickness as much as all- day- bouts- of- nausea. If I don't eat enough or on time, the baby lets me know it is not alright! For example, I wasn't very hungry today and couldn't decide what I wanted to eat. I snacked throughout the day and had a good dinner. Here I am a few hours later feeling hungry! I guess this is the baby's way of letting me know who will be in charge for the next little while! I have been healthy, the same weight, and just feeling really good. One thing I didn't realize is that for some of us lucky pregers, our belly swells early and we look six months pregnant before we reach the fourth month. I have come to accept that it is how it is and as long as the child is growing and happy, I don't care how big my tummy is! Right now I am slightly obsessed about two things: the gender and the safety. I won't dwell on the safety things, just to say that I have heard too many stories about the baby having issues with the chord. I'll leave it at that and trust God to protect even now. As for the gender, I want to know who I am carrying. Is it Sophiah or Joseph? I even tried that thing where you dangle a ring on a chain over my belly and depending on which direction it sways determines the gender. Marisha told me about it and... dammit, I actually gave it a try! I lay down on my back, stilled the chain and released. It started circling my belly round and round. I laughed so hard and had to try it again. I made sure it was still before I released. And go! It went round and round as though a magnetic force was driving it! According to tradition (who's, I don't know) I am having a girl. Time will tell, as will an ultrasound in about a week!
I have been dreaming of girls but thinking it is a boy. A couple years ago, I dreamed about a girl around age two or three. She was facing me with puff balls in her hair. Her daddy had his back to me and was squatting down with one arm around her. She was beautiful, and I knew she was my daughter! I then had a dream about a baby boy. We were in mom and dad's house and he was with me at the kitchen sink. I have had countless dreams over the last few months, most that I cannot recall. One was a dream that mom was pregnant! with twin boys!!!! I was expecting a girl and was figuring out how to help her. When I told her about the dream the next day, she laughed and said she had a dream that same night that she was pregnant! Wow, I am pretty sure she will not deliver twin boys, but perhaps twin ideas... we'll see. Last night, I dreamed of a little girl with puff balls in her hair. She was pretty young, maybe one or two. Max and I were playing with her and loving every moment! We were clapping, and patting, and giving high five. Even now, I can remember the soft puffiness of her hands as they gently tapped against mine. That was a special dream. I have dreamed of boys as well, but recently the boys were white - I don't know what that means!
So, here I am in the midst of a different part of the dance, awaiting my first baby and loving my first fiance'. I am content and at peace and so loved and in love. I didn't nap today, so I guess it is time for a bedtime snack and sleep. More talk from the heart soon.
A couple physical things I am learning to combat are swelling feet and appetite. If I am on my feet too long without putting them up, they swell, and I can feel it happening! I try to drink lots of water and sit down as often as possible. As for the appetite, I have not vomited once this whole time, thank God! I have not had morning sickness as much as all- day- bouts- of- nausea. If I don't eat enough or on time, the baby lets me know it is not alright! For example, I wasn't very hungry today and couldn't decide what I wanted to eat. I snacked throughout the day and had a good dinner. Here I am a few hours later feeling hungry! I guess this is the baby's way of letting me know who will be in charge for the next little while! I have been healthy, the same weight, and just feeling really good. One thing I didn't realize is that for some of us lucky pregers, our belly swells early and we look six months pregnant before we reach the fourth month. I have come to accept that it is how it is and as long as the child is growing and happy, I don't care how big my tummy is! Right now I am slightly obsessed about two things: the gender and the safety. I won't dwell on the safety things, just to say that I have heard too many stories about the baby having issues with the chord. I'll leave it at that and trust God to protect even now. As for the gender, I want to know who I am carrying. Is it Sophiah or Joseph? I even tried that thing where you dangle a ring on a chain over my belly and depending on which direction it sways determines the gender. Marisha told me about it and... dammit, I actually gave it a try! I lay down on my back, stilled the chain and released. It started circling my belly round and round. I laughed so hard and had to try it again. I made sure it was still before I released. And go! It went round and round as though a magnetic force was driving it! According to tradition (who's, I don't know) I am having a girl. Time will tell, as will an ultrasound in about a week!
I have been dreaming of girls but thinking it is a boy. A couple years ago, I dreamed about a girl around age two or three. She was facing me with puff balls in her hair. Her daddy had his back to me and was squatting down with one arm around her. She was beautiful, and I knew she was my daughter! I then had a dream about a baby boy. We were in mom and dad's house and he was with me at the kitchen sink. I have had countless dreams over the last few months, most that I cannot recall. One was a dream that mom was pregnant! with twin boys!!!! I was expecting a girl and was figuring out how to help her. When I told her about the dream the next day, she laughed and said she had a dream that same night that she was pregnant! Wow, I am pretty sure she will not deliver twin boys, but perhaps twin ideas... we'll see. Last night, I dreamed of a little girl with puff balls in her hair. She was pretty young, maybe one or two. Max and I were playing with her and loving every moment! We were clapping, and patting, and giving high five. Even now, I can remember the soft puffiness of her hands as they gently tapped against mine. That was a special dream. I have dreamed of boys as well, but recently the boys were white - I don't know what that means!
So, here I am in the midst of a different part of the dance, awaiting my first baby and loving my first fiance'. I am content and at peace and so loved and in love. I didn't nap today, so I guess it is time for a bedtime snack and sleep. More talk from the heart soon.
We have been educated - is there a part II
August 11, 2011 Well, we just finished our five week childbirth education class. It was full of information, some scary some relieving! We learned everything from what labor looks like to our options on vaccination. Intense! I liked that Kate was so honest about feelings and fears that people have. I can imagine the thoughts that people have once they are sleep deprived and hormonal. I have flashes from the id that ask 'are we sure about this? what are we doing? I don't know if i can go through with this. What if I crack in the first couple weeks?' We went through something the other day that was an eye-opener. I was in such pain and had no idea the source. I felt cramping low in my abdomon and intense pain in the upper abs. I feared it was pre-term labor. We ended up going to the hospital and after many tests and thorough exams (realize that when you're cramping, you don't want any metal objects near the area) we found the source of the pain. It was the baby's head. Pushing so hard against my ribs/abs that I was moved to tears. I employed some of the labor techniques that we had learned and Max was so supportive just by being there, holding my hand and loving me. Of course, I thought what everyone else dare not say - if THAT hurt so badly, how in the hell can I handle labor and delivery? And drug free?! Am I nuts? And then, I get on top of those fears and realize that my body has all that it needs to do this. I don't have to understand how to get through that at this point because I am not there yet. Here I am, four days later, feeling great, no pain, no worry. Part of it was just knowing the source of the pain. The other was just knowing that she was ok. If she is alright, then I am alright. I feel like a budding advocate already. Watching around every corner for conspiracies by the doctor or wolves in sheep's clothing parading as something good for our baby. I have a feeling that I will have feelings that come out of nowhere and move me in ways I can't even fathom at this point.
I am already amazed at the comfort that Max offers by affirming me, protecting me and checking on me. He is exactly what I have needed for so long. I fear that I will mess it up because it is something I am not accustom to. I know how to handle being the only good person in a relationship, but I'm still getting used to having two mature, loving adults in the mix. I fear that i will not know enough as a mom. There is SO MUCH that I don't know. There is SO MUCH that I don't know that I don't know. I know she covered a lot in the five week class, but it wasn't everything. Don't you know that I need to know everything before I get started? What is happening? What could happen? What should not happen? What choice do I have? How do I do this? How do I do that? How do I maintain my communication and personality through all these changes? I guess only time will give me the answers one by one. And, I have to wait... I'm not so good at that! But I will learn, I have no other choice do I?
I am already amazed at the comfort that Max offers by affirming me, protecting me and checking on me. He is exactly what I have needed for so long. I fear that I will mess it up because it is something I am not accustom to. I know how to handle being the only good person in a relationship, but I'm still getting used to having two mature, loving adults in the mix. I fear that i will not know enough as a mom. There is SO MUCH that I don't know. There is SO MUCH that I don't know that I don't know. I know she covered a lot in the five week class, but it wasn't everything. Don't you know that I need to know everything before I get started? What is happening? What could happen? What should not happen? What choice do I have? How do I do this? How do I do that? How do I maintain my communication and personality through all these changes? I guess only time will give me the answers one by one. And, I have to wait... I'm not so good at that! But I will learn, I have no other choice do I?
I"m a stepmother
I have recently been given the opportunity to meet my partner's two-year old daughter. It has been wonderful to see him with her and to interact with her a few times. Only now is it sinking in that I am a stepmother! I am not of the evil variety, but I am one none the less. What does this mean? You know I have to analyze everything so here goes. I thought it would be fun to spend time with and nurture this little person who is 50% from the man I love. I thought I would see him in her personality and disposition. What I did not account for was the influence that the other 50% has had. I also did not think about the challenge of my undefined role in her life. Does she have to listen to me? Do I have the right to correct her? What if she does things that I would not allow from my own children? This is the unexpected. I love her because she is of his blood, but I don't know where I fit in? I don't know how to rehabilitate a two year old in a couple hours a week. How do we undo in hours what has taken months to grow? How does this work? It is tough to stay positive for him when I am feeling frustrated within me. I don't want to be the evil step-mother, but what if that is where I am headed? sigh
dark day
Sophiah is 15 weeks old and the light of our lives. Today was the day I realized I have post pardom depression. Being a positive, outgoing woman, I hate to put a label out there...it makes it real. In realit, the words don't make it real, reality does. I cried about five times today. I just didn't feel myself
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