August 11, 2011 Well, we just finished our five week childbirth education class. It was full of information, some scary some relieving! We learned everything from what labor looks like to our options on vaccination. Intense! I liked that Kate was so honest about feelings and fears that people have. I can imagine the thoughts that people have once they are sleep deprived and hormonal. I have flashes from the id that ask 'are we sure about this? what are we doing? I don't know if i can go through with this. What if I crack in the first couple weeks?' We went through something the other day that was an eye-opener. I was in such pain and had no idea the source. I felt cramping low in my abdomon and intense pain in the upper abs. I feared it was pre-term labor. We ended up going to the hospital and after many tests and thorough exams (realize that when you're cramping, you don't want any metal objects near the area) we found the source of the pain. It was the baby's head. Pushing so hard against my ribs/abs that I was moved to tears. I employed some of the labor techniques that we had learned and Max was so supportive just by being there, holding my hand and loving me. Of course, I thought what everyone else dare not say - if THAT hurt so badly, how in the hell can I handle labor and delivery? And drug free?! Am I nuts? And then, I get on top of those fears and realize that my body has all that it needs to do this. I don't have to understand how to get through that at this point because I am not there yet. Here I am, four days later, feeling great, no pain, no worry. Part of it was just knowing the source of the pain. The other was just knowing that she was ok. If she is alright, then I am alright. I feel like a budding advocate already. Watching around every corner for conspiracies by the doctor or wolves in sheep's clothing parading as something good for our baby. I have a feeling that I will have feelings that come out of nowhere and move me in ways I can't even fathom at this point.
I am already amazed at the comfort that Max offers by affirming me, protecting me and checking on me. He is exactly what I have needed for so long. I fear that I will mess it up because it is something I am not accustom to. I know how to handle being the only good person in a relationship, but I'm still getting used to having two mature, loving adults in the mix. I fear that i will not know enough as a mom. There is SO MUCH that I don't know. There is SO MUCH that I don't know that I don't know. I know she covered a lot in the five week class, but it wasn't everything. Don't you know that I need to know everything before I get started? What is happening? What could happen? What should not happen? What choice do I have? How do I do this? How do I do that? How do I maintain my communication and personality through all these changes? I guess only time will give me the answers one by one. And, I have to wait... I'm not so good at that! But I will learn, I have no other choice do I?
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