Here I sit

May 5, 2012 11:00pm
It is the brightest time of my life, yet at any moment, I feel like I could crumble into a thousand pieces. My life is not what I thought it would be nor is it moving at a nice comfortable pace at which I could easily adapt. No, instead, my life flips, turns, moves, pants, then revs up again to repeat. I don't really think about all that has gone on over the last six months until I say something to a friend and they say, WOW, YOU HAVE SO MUCH GOING ON. When you are living it, you just... live it. You don't sit back and let it swallow you otherwise eight other things will drop and you'll have more to do the next day. So, I will be honest with you, reader, and tell you what has transpired in life, in my heart, and in my head. We moved into a two-story house the week of November 19 (one week before the baby was due). Teresa and Kindra helped pack up our old house and move into the new one. They painted our new bedroom to get rid of the purple walls and green dragonfly stenciled art. Jazmin and Cece moved boxes and unpacked things. They all worked so hard. It was difficult for me to sit still, but I had little choice since I was 9 months pregnant. Rhea came and unpacked the closet, Keith, Will, Eric and Danielle moved things, Max loaded the truck and broke himself doing so much work. We were in, we were comfortable, we were greeted by neighbors and now, it was time for the main event! Sophiah was born December 1, 2011 10:27pm on Max's 44th birthday. One day, I will record her birth story. We were in the hospital for about three days. It was not comfortable at all, but more safe than bringing her home where I would have to learn her and re-learn myself. Max's mom came to help the week after Sophiah was born. This was a good thing because it allowed her and Max to grow their relationship. At first, I was not excited about her coming. Max explained her purpose and assured me that if I was unhappy with her presence, then she would go home. It was a good time for Sophiah to spend with her and for us to get to know each other as well. Before she arrived, Georgina came to see the baby and to give her a traditional bath. She came the day after we were home. Mom, aunt Debbie and Jazmin were all here as well. I think this day traumatized me and taught me at the same time. Georgina placed Sophiah on a towel on her lap and began to wash her. I actually will have to return to this story at a later time because of the emotions that are rising just thinking about it. Stay tuned for the rest of the story.
So, back to Sisi. It ended up being wonderful that she was here. My family loved her and she was thankful to them for being so kind to Max. It was good for her to see that Max is loved and taken care of now. She left at the beginning of January. I was feeling good and high on hormones. Max and I work so well together with Sophiah. Max was in school and I was able to spend most days in bed with the baby. Sogna, the dog, was with a friend until I was ready to balance her again. During all this time, Max was still attending manditory anger management meetings - what a joke! He spent so much time and money and energy. Around mid March, I contacted my insurance company to see when I would be getting paid while on leave. They told me they had to finish my investigation before they could pay me! So, I went over a month without pay. This did not help my depression one bit. Instead it launched me into a deeper place. I realized that I needed to return to work as soon as possible in order to make ends meet. They found something for me to do through the end of the semester and I was able to take Sophiah with me most days or work from home. It was a good situation for the most part. Just difficult learning something new in such a short time and giving results that were needed. It was a head ache, but it kept my paychecks and benefits coming. In late march, Max's father in Ghana passed away. He had just spoken with him and wanted me to meet him over the phone. He didn't sound very good, so Max decided to wait to call again. I will never get to meet my father-in-law this side of heaven. That hit Max so hard and pulled his emotions to the surface. We needed to decide how we could help burry him when we had no extra money. Max is the oldest son and the oldest grandson, so he has responsibilities. People were generous and donated money for us to send. We are blessed by their generosity.
After this, we had a big birthday party for my 37 birthday. We cooked, some people brought food, and we partied! About 50 people showed up and crowded the stairs, hallway, kitchen, and living rooms. It was wonderful to see everyone. The day after that was Easter, we did not make it to church, but made it to celebrate with the family!
Due to some family drama, we went to pick up Ciara one Friday evening to stay with us indefinately. She wasnot being treated in a way I thought was fair so, we rescued her. It was a tense situation, but mama bear stepped in and took care of business. Max was so supportive as well. The following week, we spent sorting things out and planning how she could finish the school year successfully. She stayed with us for a week and was so helpful. During that time, Max graduated from EMU, I threw him a party. It was the first party anyone has thrown for him ever... ever. How sad and what an honor. It was fun and filled with friends and family. The day after, he had final exams and the day after that, he started a new job. Now, we have prayed for a job for a couple years and God came through. He will be working nights, three nights a week. Then, he was called back for a third interview at another job! This week, he will be working 9-4 four days a week. This week, we also had court. The end of probation and the end of Anger Management classes. Praise God, that is over. They tried to break him and to wear him down. Thank God for his spirit and tenacity. The next day, he had to work, but we were supposed to have Samantha. I am not quite used to handling both girls alone. It looks like I will have to learn quickly. She will be here on Fridays weather or not Max is. That leaves... me. So many things happen in our lives that most times I don't have the luxury to decide to do or not to do. It's like, get on board or get left behind.
So, here I sit. Sophiah is sleeping in her room, Max is at work,and I am heading to bed so as to pass the time more quickly. I am trying to keep my head around all that is my life. This is living. Doing. Balancing. Embracing. Breathing. Surely this quiet only makes the ticking of the roller coaster car seem louder and louder. I know, right around the bend, there will be a drop! I will hang on, scream, let the wind take my voice, then laugh about it later.