Sick and Tired

1:23AM

I am exhausted with dating - online and offline. Simply wiped out. The small talk. The large talk and the talk in between. Sick of it all. I feel like it is a motion I'm going through and it feels pointless. I am interested in a new person and I want to just say, "Look, I am so tired right now of all this! I was about to take myself off the market for a while before I met you. So here is the thing. I have no expectations because I am tired of people not even reaching the bar that is on the fucking floor. So, I will not put up any pretenses. What you see is what you get. I am just me with no sugar coating. I have put out all the sugar I can for a while and I have emotional hypoglycemia from the whole ordeal!" Staying up all hours of the night talking! Waking up to chat on the early morning commute! Texting while getting ready for work and running late but being ok with it. Fuck all that! So tired of it... so very tired. Talking all day practicing uncertainty reduction. Asking the interview questions: What color do you like... do you read... do you cook.. what movies do you like? What is your sign? Seems like all the same questions just different answers because every few weeks it's a different person. I don't even think I log the answers in my head. It's just random facts soaring through my brain. Once we meet in person and he or she is around for more than a month, I will conduct a review session. " Now that we are dating exclusively and I know that you are not with anyone else and that no one else thinks you are her boyfriend or husband and I know that you respect and honor me and I can be myself around you and you know all that about me....Let me ask you a few things. What color do you like? Do you cook? Do you like to read? What is your sign?" These answers I will remember because I'll know who you are and who I am and who we are. I'll be excited and energized instead of sick and tired.

Virtual Reality

I just received a gift! It was so special to get a nice, fluffy, brown teddy bear and a bright yellow flower. How sweet some guys are! I can't wait to cuddle up with it and keep it forever! Only one thing, it was a virtual teddy bear. A picture of a bear on a screen holding a yellow daisy. The message said it came with a gift. A gift is something people use points in order to be able to send sweet nothings. That is just what it is - a sweet nothing. What am I supposed to do with a picture of a teddy bear? Cuddle up with my computer screen at night? Feel the same fondness in my heart that I would fee if it were real? It is pointless. As pointless as virtual greeting cards in my opinion. If we know each other well enough to exchange cards, then send me a card, not a picture of a card. What is the response? A picture of a tear, two arms and a heart. What have we resorted to? Go check your email, I just sent a virtual love-making session. It's safe -Enjoy!

thoughts from among the clouds

One thing I thought about today is that I never get tired of talking to someone I am interested in. Never. I don’t have that feeling like, uahh I don’t think I will call them today cuz I’m just not thinking about them. There is some part of every day when I think about that person and even if I can’t talk…which I always seem to be able to, I at least text. If I am not talk ing to someone it is because I am in game mode and wanting them to contact me so I don’t come on too strong. I can’t think of one time when I was really into someone and didn’t want to talk to them at least once a day… more like 5-10! Am I wrong here? Do I come across as this crazy obsessive bitch because I want to talk to or hear from my person of interest? I really need some feedback on this. It’s like everyone is playing along all the while saying they don’t enjoy games and want to be straight forward. Here I am in a new.. thing, hell, I don’t know what it is. Talking to a new man and really interested in him. Again, we talked for hours and texted throughout every day. Then talking slowed down and texts kept going. Then texts slowed and talking stopped completely. Today, no text and no call. I now this is where the light bulb should go off that says ummm, you know that sex compliates things right? I just don’t buy it. I put that in the same category as people who say you can’t be grossly rich and happy at the same time. Bahhh, I don’t believe it! In fact, give me a butt load of money and let me prove how happy I can be. I’ll be all about balance and benjamines. I left out for Atlanta today. I attempted the first level of any relationship that has any amount of depth and asked for a ride to the air port. I was hopeful when he said he would check his schedule (hmm, guess I shouldn’t have been hopeful since I needed a ride at 8am and he didn’t work until the afternoon. I waited a few days and didn’t hear back about this request. I am a planner and I like to know what’s up well in advance. I knew for sure he would want to see me before I leave for a week. Especialy since we haven’t seen each other in over five days. Well, I had to ask. I texted something like: “I know you are busy and wanted me to get back with you after you checked your schedule (actually he was going to get back to me, but I used a little communication trickery) I was just wondering if you think you’ll be able to give me a ride to the air port Wednesday?” His response came later and was something along these lines: I won’t be able to take you to the air port because I have a very busy day. I wish I could” Wishing and hoping and wanting don’t do anything for me but bring up m y defenses likek a bad burp. So today I waited and waited to hear from him. Ususally it is first thing in the morning. Lately, I realized I was the one making the first contact, every day, each time. Today, I thought I’d give him a chance to show that he was thinking about me Nothing. Now, does that mean he isn’t thinking or that he was so super busy that he wouldn’t put a short sentence toether as he had done for days in a row? I fought and fought and fought back the urge to call or text again. Oh, did I tell you I texted this morning that he can call this week when he has a chance? Well I did. Any how. I was at the air port till 6:00 since my flight was delayed by 4 hours. I never received a text As I was wondering when I would hear from my new interest, I read my life story in a book called How To Be Single. I have now figured out why it is taking so long for me to get through this comical book. Because to me, it isn’t funny, it is my life. So one woman in the book was waiting to hear back from someone she had gone out with a few times and had slept with the night before. As she sought the advice of a dear girlfriend, the friend said that now is the time when he shows how long he can go without talking to her. This is where he shows his intent. These were such strong words that I had a nervous smile on my face. It was as if someone was watching my life and writing about it for the whole world to see. I had to take a step back and close the book. Is this what is going on? Instead of talking about intent and future plans, I must assertain by action or lack thereof? I swear I will go one of these times for th suggestested 90 days and see where that gets me. All I know is that the first date or the second date plan is not working! I guess I am willing to play this game as long as it works for me. As soon as it doesn’t, I’ll quit and persue another hobby. I know that once I land and we are given permission to turn on devices, I will search through my phone for any indication that he thought of me today. A text, a missed call, a message. Something that says “I should still be your number one choice because I thought of you and contacted you during my super busy day” Why oh why do I sell myself so short. I don’t now, but it will take the last chaper of this experience to let me kow.

Cost and Demand: On Demand at what Cost

I often wonder if I am too available. If I am around too much and accessable too often. I am happy to sit and wait for hours for someone I want to see. I am obliged to carve time out of my day in order to wait two hours for ten minutes of their time. This is a behavior I have noticed a lot in the last few months. Only today did it cause me to pause and wonder… what are you doing? Is this a sign of dedication or desparation? Does this make someone look at me as though they don’t have to work for my affection or does it show them my interest and commitment to the pending relationship? I have not had anyone wait for me like I do for others. I realize day after day that I cannot measure the way others treat me against the way I treat others. I find myself constantly exclaiming I WOULD NEVER DO THAT! I AM A BETTER FRIEND THAN THAT! I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT! So perhaps this means I should lower my expectations and lower my own levels in friendships and relationships. Perhaps this means I should stop looking for a person like me and realize that I could possibly be too much for everyone else. Sometimes, I hear so many excuses as to why I am disregarded. Other times, it is treated as normal. Well, that’s Jenn, she will be there, she will wait. Some times I feel like a little page boy awaiting his next order from the boss. It all comes down to balance, appreciation, and affirmation. With balance, there has to be mutual effort, constant pressure from equal sides (I know there is some science or physics reference there). If one side gives more than the other for too long, the relationship will collaps. With appreciation, even if someone cannot give or do the same as I can, a little verbal apprciation goes a long way. Thank you for waiting. I was glad to know you were here even though I couldn’t get to you yet. And appreciation is spoken and shown by actions. Find out what communicates your love and affection to the other person and let them know your level of appreciation. There is too much guess work involved in relationships. That shit is for the young who have time for games and such. People need to be clear and honest. Give updates to your situation if things have changed since the last conversation. I will never know why things seem so hard for some people. Maybe it is because no one has felt about me the way I have felt about them. Perhaps it is because no one has shown them love the way I do and they don’t know how to respond. Perhaps it is because I am too available and too accessable that they don’t have to work for my love and affection. Is it cost and demand or on demand, but at what cost? I may never figure this thing out, but today, I’m getting tired of trying.

Communication is Key

This is the first time in my life I feel like I am in a relationship with someone who gets it. Who knows how important communication is. I realize every time I try to handle a situation with someone that I get down and worried that a conversation will bring an end to the relationship. With this person, I feel like I can say what is on my heart and on my mind and I will be listened to, respected, and responded to. It really just makes the relationship that much deeper and stronger. I guess I have taught and thought that the first stages of relationships are supposed to be all shits and giggles. Goosebumps, daydreams, cheesy grins and no issues or drama on the horizon. That must be an urban legend because I have not seen one like that yet! The beginning of relationships has all that goodness involved, but also has a lot of getting to know you and and getting to know me and where are we apart in life and what are we together and when should we label what we have - what do we have? And all of these things can be discussed. This is what I am learning. You might have already known that, but I, the communication professor, am just learning that there are people who welcome your thoughts and have a healthy skill in communication.

It really is amazing that even one couple makes it ever. The idea that you have two different people from different backgrounds, experiences, baggage, friends, upbringing, spirituality and that they get together and fit?! We should celebrate every single match that lasts even a couple years. That is no small thing in my opinion. Most likely tainted by the fact that I have just now stumbled upon this kind of a connection. I talk to this person and feel at peace. I feel listened to, respected, loved and adored. There is so much understanding involved in relationships. Understanding the other person, their current situations (financial, spiritual, etc.), understanding yourself. This is the toughie for me cuz I thought I had it down. Seriously, I thought I had one thing down and that was communication. I thought I knew myself ever so well, what I need, my strengths, my weaknesses, my tendencies. I had no fucking clue. I am just now realizing exactly how much I analyze. I think and think and over think a sentence, phrase, action, joke, my thoughts, or my feelings. I am so thankful to my girlfriends for their help in this area. They know that I respect their perspective and they let me know. Jennifer, you are over thinking this...don't be so black and white... lay off yourself. I thought I knew me. I even had a mock fight with someone a year ago telling him that I knew myself and that I was ready to settle down in a serious relationship. He said, I don't think you know yourself well enough yet. I fought it down until he simply said, time will tell. Well, my friend, time has told me that I don't know shit. But I am certainly excited to have someone in my life who allows me to be me, encourages me to speak my heart, loves and respects my thoughts and feelings. As I posted as m facebook status a week ago: " It is so wonderful to feel loved, liked, adored and appreciated. And to reflect those feelings back into an open mind and open heart - it's a beautiful thing."

Why I shouldn't think at 5am...

So here I sit falling for someone who is unsure and un available. Wondering why things are complicated when I thought they were so sure. Why can I see so clearly what is foggy to others. I hate that I pretty much have no say in the fate of my relationships. It’s like I’m here, open, wanting, waiting and feel like I’m about to be admired then replaced on the worn spot on the shelf again. I don’t know how to do half-assed. I love strong and hard and with reason and purpose. I don’t know how to kind-of show that I like you. I don’t know how to not text or call when I’m thinking of you. I live with immediacy and urgency that tomorrow is not promised. When will my feelings be put first? When will my love be openly received and returned back to me. When will I cease to be shut down or slowed down or backed up due to complications? When will I be first instead of being a distraction? I don’t know how to be half of me.

The stages - #2, Attraction

Eventually, Lust gives way to attraction. Lust is brief, attraction lasts quite a bit longer. The definition is as follows:a : the act, process, or power of attracting b : personal charm 2 : the action or power of drawing forth a response : an attractive quality 3 : a force acting mutually between particles of matter, tending to draw them together, and resisting their separation.

I like that. Resisting their separation. Nicely put dictionary.com! With attraction, there is something more settling involved. Parties know that the lust is there and they decide to proceed to the next level. Chemicals are still being exchanged, but at a much lesser rate than what happened in the Lust stage. With this next level comes clarity, communication, and commitment. Now is where you can settle down, trust and know that two people are building on a foundation toward the same goal. The goals have to be assessed and reassessed and discussed, and chewed on, spit out, and revisited again. But in the end, there is a clear understanding to the questions "What are we, and where are we headed?" There is vulnerability in this stage because your heart is open to giving and receiving love. When something is open, there is chance of infection setting in, but... there is also chance for the love of a lifetime. That exhalation, that whew, I am me and you are you and we are we - let's do this. This is stage two, attraction. It's deeper than lust but not yet at the third and deepest level: Attachment.

The stages - #1, LUST

Researchers say that there are three stages in relationships. Lust, Attraction, and Attatchment. For good reason, the first and juiciest is Lust. This is the raw chemistry that is felt for one person or between two people. There is no logic, only lust. The wanting of that person, the longing for that person every day, all day, non stop. This is the feeling of being moved in your gut before you've even exchanged a word with the other person. Lust. Defined as being a strong sexual desire. A craving, appetite, or strong desire for. This is what brings people together. Without lust, the world as we know it would have ceased to exist decades ago.

Some people become addicted to the chemisty that is experienced during this stage of falling in love. They long to repeat it and get that high by breaking up and starting over again and again and again. This is a wonderful stage! I love, love, love it!