a fine Romance part 10 - Each tear

January 14
I am crying as I write today. Not cute crying, but weeping for joy. I am sitting here listening to Mary J Blige sing Each Tear because “Steve’ assigned me to listen to it twice before calling him back. You see, we got into our first discussion about weight. Unintentionally, I started crying. He was so sweet to me. Started building me up, telling me how much he loves me, how beautiful I am, and apologizing for bringing up something so painful. He listened to me talk about who and what has brought me to this point. I realized through talking to him that I am carrying burdens of others as well as my own. Some things that have affected my view of myself and my body were things that weren’t even said or done to me. Yet, I cry and I feel in the most empathetic way.
I am surprised and pleased and thankful to God for bringing this man into my life. I can’t wait to meet him. I can’t wait to marry him and build him up as my husband and be the best wife he could ever imagine. I feel more love from him in less than two weeks than ever before. I love him so much it scares me a little. It’s not like I feel attraction to him. I feel like this IS. He is the best man I have met for me in my life.
Two days ago, we covered years worth of relationship and learning. We had a disagreement and a miscommunication. One side of it was ‘Steve’ being jealous. I felt defensive and mistrusted. He felt he had to let me know that he was thinking every man in my presence wanted to get at me. He called when I was unavailable. When I called back, I was excited to talk to him. He was very short with me. Later, I found out that his mom was back in the hospital and he just wanted to talk to me. All the other shit that was happening was nothing because I needed to comfort him and screw my pride. I expressed myself. He did the same and assured me that he wasn’t calling to break up and he’s not going anywhere. I realized that just as he confirms that to me almost daily, he needs me to confirm to him that I love him and I want only him. I guess we are a match there too. Both been hurt and both gun shy about being hurt again. It was so great to see how we went from dark and uncertain to laughing and understanding one another. I feel like I can be me. 100% me and he will love me and will not turn anything on me.
For years, I thought I had things together. I presented a complete and confident woman to my friends and family. Now, this man who wants to be my husband sees me for who I am and loves me. He loves me to the inner core of his being. I have never before felt such love. It feels good. It feels right. I love you ‘Steve’.

AFTERGLOW: Wow, I was in deep! I can see that this was the beginning of the flag dance. RE-reading this brings back feelings from past relationships when I didn't know I was being manipulated. I had no idea I was playing into the hand he wanted me to. That is scary shit! I was going to hide this one from you, dear reader, because I am ashamed that I fell so deeply so fast in this situation. Then I decided, I am going to be truthful about my life, my feelings, my struggles and my triumphs. How else can you learn from me unless I am totally authentic to you. This is me. Just me jjj