Here I sit

It is Thursday night. I am sitting on the couch, under a blanket, sipping on tea, watching the fire roar with my trusty canine to my right. This evening sounds like too many others! The tide is low in the pool of fishes. It has been a few days since I have talked to either of my trusted two. These two have been around since the beginning of my journey. I could see a relationship developing with either if they would simply ask. Instead, I count the hours, days, and weeks until one has time for me. I grapple for my phone when I hear the text alert, and I send unanswered bits of encouragement and suggestion day after day. One texted me a warm Valentines day greeting. The other wrote me two days later asking how my weekend was. Dear reader, have no fear, be not concerned with my sanity. I realize the situation. I know that these men are not interested in a relationship with me or else we would be in one with me. I realize the monsters that I have created and am nurturing. But that hope...I'm holding on like a life raft that has been tattered and torn to the point where it is now the size of a water balloon. I am not feeling sorry for myself because I know the situations. I know in my head and in my heart what is going on with these two, with two others who are not available to me, with two others who pulled out of the race all together. I have recently started talking to a new guy. He is at the end of his relationship - so he says. Sounds like there is mutual understanding of the impending end. Sure, we will see about that. I have been down this road before and it leaves me alone on my couch with my dog. He is available when he is available, not when and if I feel the need to talk or just to hear his voice. He is not local, so there is no harm/no foul. All have their reasons to live their lives without me. And I have my reasons for maintaining a shred of whatever it is that we have. I am actually the happiest and most at peace then I have ever been before. I am comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. I feel free to dance around, to sing, to be silly, to be serious. Perhaps that is why I have the peace, because I know that though I would be happy with any of these men as a permanent fixture in my life, I am also happy with just me. All I have to offer them... is me. I am settling in the thirty-something Jennifer. Last year, my phrase was...I don't know what happened to Jennifer 2008 but this bitch is crazy! Now, Jennifer 2008 is stronger, better, sexier than ever. And this bitch is ME.