Who will be my Valentine

I sit on my couch this morning, space heater running, coffee cup empty, my dog is chewing on a pig's ear. I'm feeling more emotional than I'd like to be and I'm wondering why. I have been thinking about Valentines Day for the last week or so. It's next Sunday. This will be the second year in a row that I didn't have anyone to spend it with and forever since I've actually enjoyed the day. Now, I realize that most people poo poo Valentines Day and call it a Hallmark holiday or whatever. Either way, it happens to be one of my favorite dates on the calendar. Being the hopeful romantic that I am, I get excited and wrapped up in the day that is set aside strictly for love. The stories you've been reading make for a good book, but also for a lonely heart. Once in a while i get tired of being alone and can't figure it out. That's what's happening today. It doesn't really make sense because I have good people around me. I just want to be able to call one person to hang with or one person to have dinner with or one person to look forward to spending time with at the end of the day. The cycle continues. The ones that I want don't want me. The ones who want me - I don't want. And in the case where there is mutual affinity, they are not available to me. I look at the people I talk to on a daily basis. Not one of them has stepped up to the plat or said they want to pursue a relationship with me. Again, I am enjoying where I am in my life, but it is so nice to be wanted. This dating thing is hard work. It takes time, effort, and a sense of humor. It's just that today, I'm not laughing. I present my strong woman personae to the world, but to you, I know I can be just me. So here I am, feeling unwanted and unloved and it feels shitty. I don't want to be just friends or friends with benefits. I heard that there are men who plan things for their woman. Not just for a special day, but just because they love her. They take her out, buy gifts, plan weekend getaways, and invest in the relationship. As I sit here today, I am reminded that I have never had that. Ever! And, now that I know that these men exist, I ask myself why. Why is it that the men who have chosen me did not treat me this way? Why is it that no one wants to take a chance with me? How is it that I teach relationship development and maintenance and cannot answer when people ask "How is it that you are still single?" My answer has been and will be, "Because no one has asked me not to be." A friend asked me if I'd ever had a good Valentine's Day. Yes, I did, 19...94 I think it was. I have yet to enjoy a good, healthy relationship. I know it's possible and I would choose it over being Ms Independent any day. Until then, I sit, I wonder, I shed a few tears. Then I play some music, dance around the house and be thankful that these deep thoughts only reveal themselves once in a blue moon. Who knows, maybe February 14, 2011 will be a better day.